I am a horrible person. Truely. Horrible and incredibly shallow and catty.

Why is it that I harbor so much resentment towards my cousin, who I'll call Molly? She certainly never did anything towards me. As long as I can remember, she's been self absorbed and shallow. Still though. She's lived through a horrible tragedy that nobody should ever have to deal with. Her picture is in this week's People Magazine. They did a mother's day special on the 9/11 babies. I saw it, and my first instinct was to giggle smarmily that she looks like she's put on a few pounds. She's been through something I could never even imagine. Not to mention just having a baby under the best of circumstances would cause a slight weight gain. And she didn't even look that heavy, just a bit plumper than I remember.

Ok, I don't know exactly when my grievances started with her, but throughout her teen years, anywhere she was the conversation would always center around her hair and beauty rituals. Mildly annoying, but certainly nothing horrible. Also, she and her mother and sister seemed to always be yelling at my uncle. I felt uncomfortable with this, but figured it was just how things were.

When I started really having resentments towards her was about 12 years ago. My uncle lost his job. She was in her mid twenties, still living at home, working full time, but not contributing to the household. That bugged me. Then, after my mom's funeral, my brother, her, her sister, and I made an agreement that we would each check in regularly with my grandmother. Quarters and I kept up on our ends, but they didn't. Her sister called once, six months later, to give her a new address when she bought a house. Molly never once called.

When she got married, my grandmother of course wanted to go. Not only would she have to find her own way from the airport all the way out to Long Island, but she would have to find her own transportation to and from the wedding. I decided then to go too, to avert this. Neither one of those two called to greet us when we arrived. In fact, we didn't even get to say hello to them until the recieving line after the service. At the reception, neither of them went over to where Nana was sitting to even say hello. Since that time, I have not made any effort to maintain any sort of relationship with them.

When I found out that her husband was in the WTC, I felt aweful. He had seemed like a really nice guy. And the fact that after I think two miscarriages, she was finally pregnant, just made it all the more horrible.

I'd think this has changed her. I know she actually does occasionally talk to my grandmother now. Last time I was in Florida, there were all sorts of pictures of the baby. I guess they had come to visit. I have no reason to be resentful of her nor angry towards her. Yet every time I hear that she is getting media attention, my eyes roll. I never did see the Barbara Walters special. I did want to, out of curiosity.

I need to work on not being so harsh.

-CRbE