Well, I caved and went to Late Shabbat (possible slogan: Come meet your future spouse or at least get laid) again. But I'm actually very glad I did.

I always pay attention to the sermons, but I very rarely retain what I hear. Well tonight was different. There was a new rabbi who had just moved here, and he talked about being in between. His point was that you have to give up everything and go through a phase of nothingness before you can become something new. He calls this Entering the Ayen. Ayen is a letter in the Hebrew alphabet (the one that looks like a Y) that has no sound. It's used to denote vowels, but that's aside from the point. The symbolism of it is nothingness.

It hit me during the sermon that this is exactly where I am now. I'm in that intermediate state of nothingness awaiting renewal. Everything I would have defined myself by a year ago is gone. The only things in my day to day life at that point were my marriage, my job, and my pets. I am now not married (a big part of the ayen because I'm not married, not divorced, but at a point that can't even be called separated anymore because the process has started). I have no job. I have no pets (tho I'm getting a fishy tomorrow). I don't even have a real last name. I don't feel comfortable using Pete's last name anymore, but have not yet attained the legal rights to my own. Roughly half the people in my life know me by one and half by the other, which in a way leaves me in the Ayen, in nothingness.

Now to see what grows out of this, who this new Chasha will be.

Shabbat Shalom.

-CRbE