Well here I am in Florida! I guess I had deluded myself into thinking I would be happy once I was away. Now there are even less distractions. I am so unbelievably hurt by all of this. I know I need to just move on, but I'm sorry, this hurts too damn much. I feel like my entire belief system has been completely shaken. I believed strongly in his love for me. I guess it was too perfect. Even after (ok, up till) 5 years of marriage, he was doting and affectionate. What the hell changed all that? How does somebody just walk away from that much love? He says he can't see us together. All these years he's been saying he sees us as being old together. Why did that go away? Does he not understand that psychic visions speak to the path you are on at that moment, and that everything you do alters the course? Of course we can't be together if we don't work on this. He said that 'all the times we have gotten couseling before we just go back to our old patterns'. What the hell? We have never had real couple's therapy. We have gone to communication specialists about four times back in college, and then the intake and introducory session the weeks before we separated. I don't know where he is getting all these times from. It makes me so unbelievably angry. I don't know.

Well, Quarters, you may not be the only one going back to school in September. I'll tell you more in person. Hey, you should apply to schools out here. I'll probably be at SF state.

The last thing I wanted was to be going back to school. I love what I do. I know I went through this whole doubt thing last spring, but I have learned that I was creating a distraction and explanation for some of the feelings I was having. If anything has kept me sane these last two months it is my job.

Happy Turkey day, and I'll write more soon.

-Chasha Ruchl bat Esther bat Etta Devorah