Ok, I'm really stupid.

I finally meet somebody I actually like. We can talk for hours and are fairly relaxed in one another's company. All good, right?

All would be good if I were a sane, functional human being.

My first date with, oh, let's call him Brent, was on Saturday night. I had such a good time. Just talking and laughing, all that. It went so well. I'm not entirely sure I'm that attracted to him physically, but he's decent enough that I know I could eventually be.

Monday night, I was at my usual dinner with Ken and Rob and we were yammering on about random things as always. The subject came to something very very bad that happened to me when I was really young. All the sudden, I had a total sensory flashback. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but Ken waved his hand in front of my face and I noticed that I had been biting my thumb so bad it left toothmark shaped bruises.

I hadn't had a flashback like that in over ten years. I had them periodically growing up, and when things began getting emotionally serious between Pete and I they got more frequent. Pete was really supportive of me through it, and they eventually stopped all together.

This really had me freaked out for a few days. I don't know if it was Brent or if it's everything weighing on me right now, or just part of the nostalgia of turning 30, but suddenly this had happened.

Anyhow, Brent and I went out again on Wednesday. I started to be bothered by little things that were totally stupid. For instance, he says 'set' instead of 'sit'. So fucking what? But it was bothering me.

Brent had said he didn't feel comfortable with things going very far physically until my divorce was final. I think this is totally honorable. But in the state I was in on Wednesday, and I still don't know what the hell I was thinking, I was so obnoxious. If I was a guy, I'd be the biggest pig in the world.

I don't know why the hell I did this, but I decided to test this resolve of his. I turned it all the way up. I'm not going into detail, other than to say that I was not a tease, as I would have followed through. And his resolve is pretty good. It went farther than what he'd said he'd wanted, but we did stop and cool down. Still though. How wrong was that? He set a boundary and I promptly trashed it. Why can't I respect something that was totally respectable?

I think I intentionally sabotaged it. I wasn't aware of that part at the time, but in retrospect I really think that's what happened.

I think the idea of a relationship terrifies me. I don't know why this is. I find the dumbest things not to like in people. I rejected a guy once for having a similar hairstyle to Big Boy. Just stupid stupid things.

AND I am still love with Ken. Who I know doesn't and won't return the sentiment. It's safe to be in love with him.

Even looking back on my relationship with Pete, I have to wonder. He's an idealist, and very romantic. If what's on the surface fits his ideal, he won't dig deeper. It was safe to be with him, because I could still keep so much of myself under lock and key. And let's face it, that was NEVER an equal partnership. This divorce (or soonish to be divorce at any rate) is honest to gawd the first time I can remember that he got something his way. I feel like a horrible person even writing that, but on some level I think it's true.

-CRbE