Wow. I just ran across something I don't remember writing. I am anthologizing all my writings and diarys (21 years worth of the latter) and found a journal I kept for about six weeks during the summer of 2000. I don't remember keeping this, and I don't remember having the insights then that I write about. But here is an exerpt, written July 4, 2000:

I just got the most amazing spread with my new deck. I was initially upset when I opened it- the illustrations were beautiful but the backs had crosses on them, as well as a small design that looks sort of like a swastika. This deck is more than a hundred years old, so obviously the meaning was innocent at the time. Still, I was put off. But I decided to do a spread anyways, especially after finding it included a new one. I got right to the heart of what is going on for me. It said my central issue is dissilusionment when I try to reconcile my dreams of motherhood with the reality that is Pete. The path it showed me to be on is one where I put our marriage first, then feel stuck for a while, until finally moving toward complete healing. My alternative path would be to carry the burden away, get wrapped up in competitiveness, and become more withdrawn from the world. I will have help along the way from a child and from my own honesty, which will help me slow down. I was glad to get this reading because lately I have been extremely frustrated with Pete. A lot has to do with the school thing, but I think even more has to do with him not growing up, at least not as fast as me. He is still very much in college, not just in his career path but in his mindset as well. He is still hesitant to make that Leap of Faith into adulthood. I've been here for quite a while, but feel I can't continue to grow until he starts catching up. I need to feel confident that he will. I guess my greatest fear is that he has stopped. He is frozen at 21 forever. Ironically, when I was that age, I didn't want to move on eithere. I still remember it very fondly. But life happened and I progressed on. I wonder how much the width of our gap has to do with Mom dying. I did feel adult before then, but it is so different now. My childhood structure no longer exists. Going back is not an option. I know I have to go it on my own. But I feel the intensity probably has a lot to do with my want for a family. I just feel so ready. The timing for me couldn't be better. But I know that for him, it almost couldn't be worse. He really does need to finish school first. I don't think he will otherwise. That is why I get so freaked out when he talks about waiting another year and trying for Davis again. I want to move on, but I know it is important for us to be at the same place in all this.

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Did I write this down and then repress the insight? This was a good year and three months before we separated. It's also a bit scary because I think I did take that other path, the one that shut me off from the world.

I haven't thought about this stuff in a while. Maybe I wasn't done thinking about it. I knew there were problems with six months prior to this entry when he was trying to get me to go back to Michigan, but I don't remember continued conflict over his lackadaisical scholastic career. I don't remember feeling like things sucked until that fall when Wyatt left, and then getting worse when I went to Jackie's baby shower and it hit me how much I felt like I belonged so much more in Arizona. I remember blaming everything exept Pete for my depression. But clearly, I was not so out of my own loop as I thought.

-CRbE