Ok, I am going to lay out some thoughts here.

Basically I have come to a realization about myself and this whole baby crazy buisness of the last 2 or so years. I was not or am not ready to have a child. I had no social life outside of my marriage. We went directly from college life to suburbia. Naturally I met nobody I could relate to. But all was not off track.

One year and three months after I got married and moved to California, my mother passed away. Suddenly I was faced with this huge void in my life. Add that with the biological reality of being a woman in her then-mid twenties, and you have a powder keg. Luckily the fact that I was still in school was enough to delay it through that first year of grief. It wasn't until I graduated that I blew up.

I understand the natural tendencies toward the whole biological clock thing. But that doesn't explain the sense of urgency I felt at the age of 27. Part of it was the lack of social life. Here was a chance for instant bond. But a bigger part was my concern about not having the capacity to be a good mother. That manifested in two ways. One was by wanting desperately to have a child while my grandmother was still alive and well enough to show me the ropes. My mom had always said she'd do that for me, and it was somewhat of a family tradition. Mom couldn't do it, so Nana would just have to do it twice.

The other, and much more damaging thing that happened, is I got so into the role of good (wife, mother, etc) that I completely lost track of myself. I patterned my expectations off of some vague societal archetype that didn't fit who I was at all. I'm pretty sure that's what Pete meant when he called me a Stepford Wife. I felt like I had to do that before I could be the mother. I think this was the main driving force behind my depression. Because that went away as soon as I stopped trying to mould myself into the wife role. That's one mistake I know I will never repeat. No matter what happens I know that is not who I was. And I know I am not ready to be Mommy. I was never 20 something Chasha. I jumped from 22 to 35 without taking a breath. Regardless of what happens marriage wise, I need to reclaim my youth! Besides, I had every second of my future children's lives planned out before they were even concieved. Hello, reality time! Luckily God in all her wisdom did not allow me to concieve the one month we had the timing right. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I could have risen to the occasion, but at what cost? This already cost me my marriage.