I really need to call my step father. I haven't spoken to him since Thanksgiving of '99. I'm not really sure why not. We had a very akward, very forced conversation where he apologized for not keeping in touch and said the ball was now in his court. That was fourteen months ago, and we haven't spoken since.

I have no idea how this happened. We never had any disagreements or anything.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that almost every time we've talked in the past, it's made me miss my mom really badly. As of last November, despite being remarried, he was still very much in mourning.

Maybe it has more to do with him being married again than I'd like to admit. When he first told me he was engaged (less than a year and a half after mom died) I was relieved. He had been so profoundly depressed (this coming from someone with a background in clinical psych) that I was truely concerned for his survival. It stung, but I knew she wouldn't want him to be single forever. Her father, who she loved dearly, was barely gone a year before she started pressuring my grandmother to get out there again. I know she wouldn't want her own husband to be lonely forever. But I also know a part of her would be as catty as I am around the situation.

It's not fair of me to expect anything different. They knew eachother less than eighteen months, how can I expect somebody to grieve for a lost love longer than they knew that person?

I'm also convinced that his wife, lets call her hmm...skank ass bitch? just kidding. Lets call her Betty. No that's not her real name. Well, I'm pretty sure that Betty hates me. No, we've never met. But every time I have talked to her over the phone, she was curt with me. My brother says she's always been really friendly to him, so maybe its the fact that I'm a young female. Or maybe he doesn't call because I sound like my mom. That is one of the excuses I have for not calling him. If the first word out of my mouth isn't my own name, I will HELLA mess with his head (sorry, quarters, you asked for it). I am not exagerating about the voice thing. Neither of our friends could ever tell us apart on the phone. To this day my stepmom freaks out when I call, especially if I say something she would have said (Happens a lot- dirty minds think alike). Our voices were so similar that I messed with my own head by accident once. I had called a friend and left a message on her machine. I was then over at her house when she played the message. For a moment, I thought it was my mom. Strangeness. And the weird thing is, we didn't look anything alike.

Anyhow, on to stepfather. I really should call him. How do you have a normal conversation after such an akward and obvious silence. Maybe I will write him a letter. Then he can call me if he chooses.

Or maybe I'll take a motrin and go to bed.